Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize