Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
