You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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