I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
