Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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