Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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