I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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