they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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