awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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