Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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