I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize