yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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