Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize