I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
