you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
