My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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