Soap is not a condiment
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
