I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
