He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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