my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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