Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
