Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
