Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
