i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
we made out on top of his cat.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Can you bring me the toilet please
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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