Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
