tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
