I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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