Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
