Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
