sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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