i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
