this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
