My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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