i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
