I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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