4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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