Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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