i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
