OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
