I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
