I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
