Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
