I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
