When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
