You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
