The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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