How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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