Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize