sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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