You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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