maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
