I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
