i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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