my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
