Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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