Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
