He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
