We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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