the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
