The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
