God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
