This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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