Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
