well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
