i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
