How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
