i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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