i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
