The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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