Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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