oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
