Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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