She said her name was "party"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
