am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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