What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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