hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
