i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
