you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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