woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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