Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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